söndag 29 april 2018

Rolff

Har inte använt bloggen på länge, men jag behövde skriva ur mig och dela med mig av det här, för tårarna rinner inte fort nog och jag vågar inte stänga det inne, för då går jag sönder ordentligt.

Min älskade gamla farbror Rolff blev sämre. Det blev dags att säga hejdå.

Året var 2008 och jag behövde räddas. Jag var på väg mot ett par stora och därför läskiga livsbeslut och jag har aldrig varit bra på att hantera det okända. Då träffade vi dig och vi fick rädda varandra. På riktigt. Du gav mig en fast punkt och ett ansvar som gjorde att de stora besluten krympte och blev hanterliga. Du fick ett liv som var på väg att tas ifrån dig, för du var så besvärlig… Du hade gjorts besvärlig. Av människor som såg dig som leksak snarare än som den trygghetssökande personlighet du var. Du ville bara göra rätt och det blir så fel om vi som leder dig visar dig fel vägar…
Men så hade vi hittat varandra och vi varvade cirkuskonster med koppelträning. Det första gick bättre än det sistnämnda. Men vilken tur att vi då bodde i stan? Det fanns träning i allt. I miljön omkring oss och i mängden andra hundägare vi kämpade hårt för att kunna ignorera… Vi kom långt, men visst tyckte andra att du var besvärlig ännu. Jag såg inte längre besvärligheten utan längtade bara till nästa stund jag fick ligga sked med dig, med näsan bakom ditt öra. Perfekt kramstorlek. Perfekt famnstorlek. 
Din blick och dina bekymmersrynkor i pannan har charmat inte bara mig, utan det har räckt att se en bild på dig så har människor från hela landet reagerat med hjärtan och kommentarer om hur speciell du måste vara. Det är tydligt att en del av din magi strålar. Jag har kallat dig min Patronus, min Daemon och även om fler hundar kommer att leva vid min sida, kommer du alltid att vara det där hjärtat som sprang omkring på fyra ben utanför kroppen och ändå var en del av mig.  Du lade nosen där det gjorde ont. Du var nära där det känns ensamt. Du kollade av så noga – Var något viktigt för mig, så blev det viktigt för dig. För vi är teamet. 
När du så småningom fick en bror i Grimm var det lättare att säga att Tobbe hade sin hund och jag hade dig. För det kan inte ha varit helt lätt att ha varit husse åt ”vår” hund, när du så tydligt var min. 
När Lill-Husse kom var du så försiktig, så försiktig och så förstående. Visst har du visat att du vill vara nära mer än vad som varit möjligt ibland. Men bara mjuk mot vår lille. Då han är viktig för oss blev han viktig för dig. 
Mellan dina ögon, på rynkorna, fanns en nedsänkning där min haka vilade när jag pussade dig på huvudet. Din nos var precis lagom lång att lägga hela min kind emot i en kram. Du var en pusselbit som passade ihop med mig. 

Livet på landet, i torpet, känns som en present vi kunde ge dig. Här har du kunnat gå lös i skogen med oss och sola på gräsmattans varmaste fläckar. Här har du fungerat nästan helt utan spår av det där besvärliga vi jobbade så hårt med. En viftande svans och klorna klickande mot golvet. Jag tror du kommer att bo här för alltid, även nu när du är borta. Jag tror jag kommer ana dig i ögonvrån eller plötsligt höra eller minnas ljudet av när du till hälften trippar, hälften snubblar nedför trappan. För om jag inte minns ljuden kommer tystnaden bli outhärdlig. Du snarkar och smaskar och pratar i sömnen och klickar omkring. Nu på äldre dar har du snubblat och stått i vägen och inte hört oss och bufflat runt. Jag inser redan nu att det kommer att göra saknaden så påtaglig att din närhet alltid märkts. Att sitta i soffan utan din kroppsvärme längs ena benet. Att gå ut utan att du trippar efter så att jag får dröja några sekunder extra i dörren, så jag kan hålla upp den för dig. Jag kommer att hålla upp den där dörren för ingenting länge, länge framöver är jag rädd. 
Jag kommer att berätta minnen om dig i hela mitt liv, för visst har du hittat på mycket dumt och varit med om mycket tokigt. Chokladförgiftning som kunde ha gått illa. Att rymma ihop med brorsan. Rymningen då du sprang så långt att jag fick hämta dig hos polisen. Hunden som följde med på tältsemestrar och stickläger. Hunden som kunde säga sitt namn själv när han nyser… 
Vi fick lång tid tillsammans, trots att jag missade dina första år. Jag är så innerligt tacksam för dig och mig. Jag kommer alltid att ha det. Nu får jag gråta med famnen tom, för där fanns du så fort jag behövde tröst. Tack Rolff. Och hejdå. Du ska få vila nu. Det är du värd.

26 kommentarer:

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  2. Anonym6:05 em

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  3. 😭😭😭❤❤❤

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  4. Precis så där är det.
    Så bra att ni fick underbara år tillsammans.

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  5. Stor kram!
    Förstår att saknaden kommer att bli stor, men han kommer att vaka över dig/er även i framtiden.
    <3 <3 <3

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